There is not a snowball’s chance in hell that you or anyone else is going to breeze through life on this planet and be able to avoid getting hurt and wounded. Sometimes these inflictions are intentional. Sometimes not. Sometimes the wounds are deep. They take time to heal and often leaving ugly scars.
Some years ago now, I experienced a deep wound. This was inflicted by a person who had been my closest and best friend for quite a period of time. We’d endured all sorts of ups and downs in the friendship, but our relationship had stood the test of time. Despite all of that, this person made some choices to side with another whose star appeared to be rising in the arena in which we found ourselves. In my position, I was under some severe scrutiny and corporate political attack and it appeared my star was dimming. So, my friend pinned their hopes and dreams for position and power onto another star and threw me under the bus. I experienced betrayal like never before and I was deeply hurt. During this time, I did some foolish things in my hurt, like vowing that never again would I allow anyone to ever become close to me again and hurt me like that.
Over time I came to a place where I knew it was crucial for my own well-being to forgive this person. And so, I walked through all the various stages of actually getting to that place and being able to do it. I forgave them. Honestly, it was incredibly liberating…..TO ME!
As the story goes, my star didn’t fade and I was vindicated of some ugly accusations. And in a later time and place, this person who betrayed me and who I’d forgiven, wanted to be friends again. They even approached me for possible investment in a business venture. While I knew I’d forgiven them, there was just NO WAY I wanted any part of that no matter how appealing and lucrative it appeared. I’d been hurt and I didn’t want to put my heart out there again to be stomped on. My reaction made me question whether or not I’d truly forgiven and released this person. I’ve since learned from Dani Johnson that a great test of this is if you can ask God to bless this person and genuinely be sincere about that.
Further clarity has come from the writers of the book TrueFaced. Toward the end of their book in chapter 6 they provide some keys of forgiveness. Here’s what they say about one of the keys:
“Key #6: Distinguish Between Forgiving and Trusting Your Offender
…it is important to understand that forgiveness does not mean we have to trust the other person yet. This misunderstanding causes many to balk at forgiveness. Because they can’t trust the person, they believe they can’t forgive him or her. But forgiving the person and trusting the person again are always separate issues…. Our expectations should be realistic because while trust is easily broken, it is recovered very slowly, and sometimes not at all.”
When I read these words from my TrueFaced friends, they took me back to another time 2 decades ago. I was fortunate to have as my business coach at that time Dr. Stephen Covey, later the author of the runaway bestseller 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I attended quite a number of his leadership and advanced leadership retreats with a small number of people and very direct access to this organization effectiveness guru. One of the concepts Covey introduced to us and has written about extensively since, is his metaphor “the emotional bank account” (click this link to read one of his excellent blog posts on this topic).
Admittedly, this concept is geared toward organizations. However, let me point out that organizations are made up of people. People are the ones who trust each other or not. So this metaphor of deposits and withdrawals, just like our real bank account, applies to marriages, families, friends as well as organizations. Essentially, Covey says that trust can be broken quickly with just one or two acts (withdrawals). But rebuilding trust takes lots of deposits into someone’s emotional bank account. It takes time and is not an instantaneous thing.
Okay, so where am I going with all of this? I want to encourage those of you reading this post to choose forgiveness. Those of us who are Jesus-followers are admonished to do so where He’s teaching us to pray:
Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others. (Luke 11:4 The Message)
Don’t allow issues of trust to stop you from forgiving someone who has done you wrong. Be open to trust being restored. For that to happen, it’s not all up to you. Making deposits in emotional bank accounts (building trust) is not a one-way street. It takes all parties involved making concerted efforts over time to reestablish trust. It may or may not happen and it’s not totally in your control. But you can choose to make deposits if you’ve hurt someone and you can see where it goes. Be patient with the one you offended, yourself, and the process.
What IS in your control is choosing to forgive. Here, here to forgiveness!
